My stomach felt weak, and I braced myself for what may be a trip to the edge of the world. I gently stroked my son’s wavy blond hair and rocked him against my chest. His hair smelled like the day we had before nightfall...full of sunscreen, salt, and sweat. The droplets of water on his hair gave off the only light, except for the silver fish splashing in the waves and the tiny white stars twinkling above.
We are a part of the stars and the vast sea, suspended on our raft in rough deep water, miles above the ocean floor, and so far from land that we couldn’t see a line in the horizon, or where the sky ended and the body of water began. Disoriented, I prayed I could hold my head up while our son slept on my chest sucking his thumb knowing I would bring him home safely. Nevertheless, all I knew was that I was waiting for you.
I could see your bright eyes and brown hair sprinkled with water and sand from earlier in the day. I could see you paddling in the dark directionless water toward us and our future lives together. But then, the boat began to spin fast, then faster, as if we were on a ride at a theme park; but, the boat was disappearing from the shore.
My heart raced as we spun backward and further away from what appeared to be nowhere...the night got darker, and I could not open my eyes. I tried to force them open as my heart pounded in my chest. My eyes felt glued together. I frantically splashed water on my face and my eyes opened.- It was a dream.-
The first time I had this dream my son was a baby and his father and I kept separating for short and long periods of time. I dreamed it after a day at the beach with my son and his father, which happened to be a fun day. -But evidently, my subconscious saw things differently.-
I think it was due to the fact that I refused to admit how frightened I was of someone I dearly loved- I was young and tormented by my situation. Nevertheless, I was obviously more afraid of changing my circumstances than I was of him or anything else. In addition, single parenthood frightened me.
My mother told me once that "there is nothing as constant as change," and it’s true. Yet, so many of us will do anything to avoid changing what feels comfortable and predictable in our lives, when in truth, without change, you miss the things that make life worthwhile or in some cases bearable.
In any event, I decided this dream was a subconscious awakening for me, and there are few things more precious than awareness. I'm glad I paddled the boat ashore.
I've had different variations of this dream throughout my son's childhood and I've often wondered what it meant. And what's bizarre, is my son is now a grown man and I dreamed it again last night. I've dreamed and wrote down different versions of the dream in my journal over the years. I decided to post it today because I realized that many parents, single or married would be able to relate.
All parents cherish their children's safety and future and when our children are born they do not come with an owners manual, in fact, that do not belong to us at all.
In closing, I'm going to leave you with a phrase I wrote long ago,
Motherhood/Parenthood is an art impossible to explain, one which requires a vast sea of love, devotion, compassion, and understanding unmatched by any affection we will know again.
And boy is that the truth.
Thanks for visiting A Nice Place In The Sun.
And as we say in South Louisiana, "Let The Good Times Roll."