8/27/10

"If There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be...

 



In the words of the first man, I ever adored, Henry David Thoreau,

"If thou art a writer, write as if thy time were short, for it is indeed short as the longest."

In January of this year as my friends and I danced, drank, and spoke of the year ahead as if we were guaranteed the time, the words of Henry David Thoreau rang a different truth for me, a truth I would understand in a different way by the end of the year.

Even some of my own words ring with a bizarre realism, for example, I wrote a little saying on this landing page that reads,

-Most of the worlds' great things were born of adversity and hardship; because these roadblocks encourage us to dream, imagine and believe.-

And now, those words ring more true to me than they did this past January, which I guess I should explain,

You see regardless of my train of thought at the end of last year, by February, my life began to cloud over, I had already been in pour health for some time, and it was beginning to get the best of me…for one thing I couldn’t write, which for me, is like snatching a bottle from a baby or alcoholic, take your pick…writing is my addiction, and I had the worst writers block I’ve ever known, hence, I knew I wasn't happy. In fact, I was simply miserable in every way, and I couldn’t put the breaks on my emotions. I was sick of myself.

Then, came the arrival of one of those typical Louisiana Springs, full of the kind of afternoon thunderstorms that tests your nerves like a colicky baby. I wanted to yell out of one of my windows, "Enough already!" My life was turning into days and days of pouring rain- Mainly because one of best friends in the world was dying of lung cancer. She passed away at the end of June, we met when we were twelve years old, so we were close friends for 35 years-, and now she is gone-

Which brings me back to my words,

Most of the worlds' great things were born of adversity and hardship; because these roadblocks encourage us to dream, imagine and believe.-

It seems to me that when the pain in our lives pull on our heartstrings, it stretches our hearts, thereby creating a greater capacity for love, joy, compassion, forgiveness, etc... In fact, after this year, I think my heart has grown to the size of a bottomless pit- Although, don’t get me wrong, I am not naive, meaning, I do realize,  that much of the time pain and tragedy taxes the human heart to the point of pulling it in the other direction. I just believe that life is about paddling through to the other side, in other words, if we make it through the “hardship and adversity,” we win the prize of knowing abundant joy, or I pray this for us all, because, as Thoreau said, “Indeed our time is short, at the longest.”


In closing, I hope that after reading all of these paragraphs, you won't think of me as mellow dramatic, because it's hard to articulate how thrilled I am at this moment. As I write this post, I feel as though I am wrapping my arms around a long lost friend, and indeed, I am. It is a great feeling, because here on this blog, writing to my fellow friends, bloggers, and writers, I can let my soul fly, and my imagination take its course.

I guess one of the reasons blogging is such fun, is because there are no deadlines, judgments, or contracts- just writing and friendship. 



In truth, I feel like I did the first time I saw the gulf coast; I was ten years old and so blown away by it's vast beauty that my stomach went into an excited flutter. I think it was one of the first times I realized how important and wonderful it was to be alive.  I felt a content happiness, close to the way I felt when I daydreamed into the branches of my grandmother’s pecan trees, or when my mother read to my brothers and I, but that was when I was much younger, of course.

I used to lay in my grandmother's front yard, and read, where the grass was cool, although there were times when I read the same paragraph repeatedly, because my grandmother had a habit of talking to people in a low voice from a distance.  I loved her dearly, but there were times when I looked forward to reading quietly, and I could hear her asking me something miles away through her front porch screen.. After years of this, I  could guess what she was saying, but I still tried to ignore her, so I could read,  although,  by the time she gave up, the late afternoon birds would begin to whistle loudly above my head. But, you know, I would give my right arm to have one second of those moments again.

All right, I suppose that's enough head in the clouds dreamlike writing. I hope I haven’t bored you or taken too much of your time, posting such a long post.

It’s just that I really wanted to tell all of you where I have been since earlier this year, because I have had an awful fear that you may feel deserted, or like I never cared for any of you at all, and I hope that after you  read all of this, you will realize that, that was not the case. (How could you not)

Hence, I would like to apologize to all of the special friends I have met blogging, and to my only pen pal,  with whom I love dearly. (You know who you are…and I am dying to write you.)

Finally, another reason for the length of this post, and my delay in posting it, is my computer has two of those awful trogan viruses, and Dell has advised me to back up my files and wipe it clean. This is happening at the same time my car broke down, my son’s car broke down, I am out of paper, and my only pen ran out of ink- However, not all is lost, because I do have a huge red mark-so-lot. I am not sure if I spelled mark-so-lot correctly, but I am sure you now what I mean.

Burgh…life, but I will return, and when I do, and I haven’t pawned my digital camera to fix the car, because the computer lost all my manuscripts, I will take a picture of what I have written on my walls in red mark-so-lot, due to writers withdrawal.

I love you all and I will return-



"Till the next time we say good-bye" - Mick Jagger

11 comments:

Sandee said...

Well I thought you just quit blogging. I truly did. I'm glad that wasn't the case.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your dear friend of 35 years. Not easy to say the least.

It's good to have you back and I hope you get all the things that aren't working right fixed soon. I hate it when this happens.

Have a terrific day and weekend. Big hug and lotsa lovies. :)

Grace said...

Oh Miss Annie, so nice to have you back! It's been a hard year for you and I am truly sorry you have had a rough time of it...

But - it is coming on September, and to me September is always the beginning of a new year, new beginnings, new adventures, new hope...

"Annie" said...

Sandee, Your comment means more to me than you know...and thank you for reading such a long post.

Your comments always touch my heart, and I'm happy you saw that I posted. I'm sorry I haven't been by to visit. I do not trust this computer completely and I do not want to put yours at risk. It has taken me about five minutes to just get on here and return your comment.


I have an appt. with Dell to wipe it clean Monday, so I will be back it business by the end of next week.

I hope you have a terrific week-end too. Big hug and lotsa lovies back to you~

You're the greatest~ :)

Annie

"Annie" said...

Grace! Hey! You and Sandee are two of my favorite people, and both of you left a comment! Thank you, thank you , and thanks for not forgetting me.

I'm missed you too, and like I wrote Sandee, I'm sorry I haven't been by to visit. I do not want to put any of my buddies computers at risk.

But, don't worry, I have an appt. with Dell Monday, so I'll be back in business by the end of next week.

This is really what I get for letting my musician son record off my computer~ Boy, you live and learn.

Anyway, I loved what you wrote~ I agree with you about Sept. it's a great month, so is October, and they both seem like the beginning of the year.

Your words meant a whole bunch!

Big hug,

Annie

"Annie" said...

Note to anyone kind enough to have read such a long post and left a comment.

I want you to know that if I do not respond, it is due to computer troubles...and I will as soon as possible~

Cheers~

Annie

Lauren said...

Annie,

Welcome back to writing! Pain radiates through the fingertips.

Beautifully stated:

Most of the worlds' great things were born of adversity and hardship; because these roadblocks encourage us to dream, imagine and believe.

Thank you for putting everything into perspective.

"Annie" said...

Hello Lauren, Thank you for such a wonderful comment.

It made my day. I'm so glad my computer is "allowing me" to reply.

Ohhhh...machines are so frustrating. My computer is running as slow as my accent.

You are one of my favorite bloggers on the internet.

I love the way you write~

I will be visiting you again soon~

Thanks again:))

Annie

Finding Pam said...

I for one am just so very happy to see this post! The one thing we can always count on is change be it good or bad.

I am sad that you lost one of your dearest friends to cancer. It sounds like you were very discouraged with all things not working.

I am so pleased that your writer's block has passed. Annie,my friend, you write so beautifully. Please continue to put words to any sort of paper.

Like Sandee, I thought you had stopped blogging. Keep your chin up and don't look backwards.

Many blessings to you,
Pam

"Annie" said...

Pam, Hey! Thank you for welcoming me back, and for writing such a nice comment about my writing. Particularly, since I am so rusty...

And I promise, if I ever stop blogging, and I have the opportunity, I will let my readers or rather, fellow bloggers know...

I truly have felt so bad about disappearing. It took me awhile to figure out how I was going to explain where I was all of those months.

I love the expression you wrote, 'Keep your chin up' and 'don't look backwards.'

And I will accept your advice. :)

Plus, I will be by to visit you soon.

And 'many blessings' back to you-

Annie

dawn said...

What matters is that you are here now. I hope you get your computer woes sorted out soon.

Welcome back my friend!

"Annie" said...

Dawn, Thanks buddy, and you're right...I'm here now-

And I will get my computer running smoothly again soon. Right now, it's just a matter of waiting for the correct software to come in...and I'm back in business.

Big hug~

Annie

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